And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. Without the rain, there would be no rainbow.
When I was four, I used to sit at the top of the stairs spying on my mom and my older brother downstairs. So often, after I would be sent to bed, they would have their own movie nights together and I always wished to be a part. It was years later that I would tell her and she would say that she’d never realized. It was just one of the things that she would never notice about me.
I would spend many years of my life searching for some sort of acceptance from her.. and from my father, wanting so badly to feel some level of importance in their lives. But there are just some things that you never find.
As an adult, I promised myself that I would never feel those feelings again, at very least not on such a deep level. It’s shaped many things about me.. my friendships.. and most of all, my relationships. I mean if in the latter, you find yourself feeling that nagging expendibility right from the beginning, it’s probably not worth getting into.
As I became an adult I told myself that true love probably didn’t exist but I think now that I was wrong. It does exist but we have to be patient enough to wait for it to come along at just that exact right moment. I say this as I’ve found myself trying to “make” it happen. And in that existence, there is no happiness.. only questions.. lots of questions. And yet we must remain open for that chance moment when it does actually come along.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
I may have stepped out on that ledge a couple of times only to find myself picking up a couple of shattered pieces but I know that it’s breakable.. and I know I’m still breathing.